Lily Lil passed away on June 21st. My heart is broken. This sounds so cliche but my chest actually hurts some times. In psychology they often say that your environment is a reflection of your mental wellbeing or in my case severe depression, grief and shock( in other words a state of distinct absence of wellbeing). Time stood still for me that awful day and my apartment was proof positive I was not okay.
Now I am questioning the true feelings my boyfriend has for me. He came to my apartment to help me find my phone and flat out told me that if anyone saw the state of me and my apartment I would be hospitalized stat.
I didn’t need to be told what I already knew. I needed help but the kind of help from inside of me. He didn’t offer help anyway, but as a nurse he is a mandatory reporter and he was sure to remind me of that. Knowing I could lose my independence couldn’t even inspire me to make the situation any better. It left me feeling alone and afraid, but that wasn’t even enough motivation.
Today, a little over two and a half months since my angel flew away, I finally had a breakthrough. I was able to address the cleanliness of my apartment. I smelled Lily’s blanket and made myself wash it. I faced my grief head on and pulled myself up to clean and scrub and sweat and break out of the hellish self-sabotage.
Some may see me as weak, but the strength it took to keep on working and acting “normal” when I just wanted to sleep to escape took a lot of strength. Am I embarrassed that I let it get that far? Yes and no. The shame of having my boyfriend see me at one of the worst moments in my life hurt like a bitch. However, I am not ashamed of myself today. I had to decide what I was going to do to help myself. There is no shame in doing everything possible to just get up, especially when your lacking love and support.
My apartment is immaculate and I am proud that I was able to find my inner fire. Sometimes anger is a driving force! I am recognizing that my relationship needs to include an empathetic human who holds you tight when you need help. Am I that delusional to expect that from a significant other? I don’t think so and now I know that what I have is not a healthy relationship at all! The person I should be able to confide in was actually shaming me and he is a nurse who has had all the training to assist the mentally ill.
I am just surprised that I really thought my relationship was healthy. I am going through a lot of turmoil but will never just give up. That fire inside is empowering and I am surprised it took me this long to realize my relationship was dragging me down while I grieved. In memory of my beautiful angel I bought a peace lily. She will live forever in my heart. To anyone else experiencing pain right now, whether it’s grief, fear or anger please always know you are not alone.