depression dogs mental health self care

Goodbye my sweetest friend

Lily Lil passed away on June 21st. My heart is broken. This sounds so cliche but my chest actually hurts some times. In psychology they often say that your environment is a reflection of your mental wellbeing or in my case severe depression, grief and shock( in other words a state of distinct absence of wellbeing). Time stood still for me that awful day and my apartment was proof positive I was not okay.

Now I am questioning the true feelings my boyfriend has for me. He came to my apartment to help me find my phone and flat out told me that if anyone saw the state of me and my apartment I would be hospitalized stat.

I didn’t need to be told what I already knew. I needed help but the kind of help from inside of me. He didn’t offer help anyway, but as a nurse he is a mandatory reporter and he was sure to remind me of that.  Knowing I could lose my independence couldn’t even inspire me to make the situation any better. It left me feeling alone and afraid, but that wasn’t even enough motivation.

Today, a little over two and a half months since my angel flew away, I  finally had a breakthrough. I was able to address the cleanliness  of my apartment. I smelled Lily’s blanket and made myself wash it. I faced my grief head on and pulled myself up to clean and scrub and sweat and break out of the hellish self-sabotage.

Some may see me as weak, but the strength it took to keep on working and acting “normal” when I just wanted to sleep to escape took a lot of strength. Am I embarrassed that I let it get that far? Yes and no. The shame of having my boyfriend see me at one of the worst moments in my life hurt like a bitch. However, I am not ashamed of myself today. I had to decide what I was going to do to help myself. There is no shame in doing everything possible to just get up, especially when your lacking love and support.

My apartment is immaculate and I am proud that I was able to find my inner fire. Sometimes  anger is a driving force! I am recognizing that my relationship needs to include an empathetic human who holds you tight when you need help. Am I that delusional to expect that from a significant other? I don’t think so and now I know that what I have is not a healthy relationship at all! The person I should be able to confide in was actually shaming me and he is a nurse who has had all the training to assist the mentally ill.

I am just surprised that I really thought my relationship was healthy. I am going through a lot of turmoil but will never just give up. That fire inside is empowering and I am surprised it took me this long to realize my relationship was dragging me down while I grieved. In memory of my beautiful angel I bought a peace lily.  She will live forever in my heart. To anyone else experiencing pain right now, whether it’s grief, fear or anger please always know you are not alone.

Beauty is on the inside, but what's wrong with a little treat?? mental health self care

Goddess of dusk

Photo by Pixabay on

The Goddess of Dusk

The sun gracefully descends towards the edge of oblivion,
Shadows fall unhurriedly as the heavens turn stunningly crimson,
The sound of harps whisper in the distance, audible above the resonance of civilization,
Enchanted fairies flit from flower to flower, sparkling in their splendor,
Trees rustle in perfumed waves of nectar, the faint aroma of orchids permeating the air,
As dusk reaches her prime, the world comes alive with her glory,
Within seconds darkness sets in, the purplish haze suffocating,
Once again the sounds of civilization invade as night falls,
The enchantment, splendor, and shades of dusk subside,
But for certain the Goddess of Dusk will appear once again.

I am by no means a poet, so please have mercy at one of my favorite hobbies! If you even found this page, I am amazed. Of course I started WordPress back you know where lol.

Thanks for sharing my beautiful day with me!
self care self efficiency self esteem stigma

Meat eater

Thank you deer! I used to hate hunters until I was educated quite sternly on the topic. This beautiful animal had a good life, its meat is free of hormones and antibiotics. The circle of life is so much more meaningful when you are forced to look into the eyes of the animal providing food for your family instead of jumping into the Subaru to shop at Whole foods or whatever granola store that sells organic quality beef. I used to be a pretty typical Californian until years ago when I moved to Montana. I was shocked that Californians were pretty much abhorred here. Life is a crazy train sometimes so you adapt and mature and always keep learning to stay on board. Sorry if this picture offends you, but the reason I posted it was to perhaps provoke a conversation on self efficiency and how important some unsavory things are to actual survival. I promise that when I have land someday I will also plant a sweet garden!
disability mental health mental illness mermaid self care self efficiency self esteem stigma Uncategorized

Mermaids and Mermen Unite😍

When life takes you for a ride…paddle as fast as you can!!

Mermaid’s Delight

mental health self care self esteem

Recipe for a soothing bath!

Natural organic steelcut oatmeal, organic shredded coconut, lavender and powdered natural buttermilk. These soothing ingredients make a perfect bath soak and aromatherapy experience. Your body will thank you for this amazing experience. Everyone deserves a mental health break! Here at insanebutterfly we love to nurture our femininity and soothe our troubles away.

depression disability mental health mental illness self care self esteem stigma

Nurture ourselves

Take time to journal. You might like to meditate or go for a brisk walk. I personally love crossword puzzles.

disability mental health mental illness self care self efficiency self esteem stigma Uncategorized

“Crazy” is Tenacious

Insane?? Me?? What is a 5150?  Why do people automatically assume I am “crazy” just because I am ill??  I find it both amusing and a bit disheartening that the general public has no sensitivity towards mental illness, nor are they interested in learning more about this silent epidemic.  If you met me on the street you would never know I was sick!  I blend in fairly well with the rest of the world, however I have to frequently take breaks from you people!!  I have always been fairly creative, smart, and while not the most gregarious of people, have interacted with people on a normal level.  I have had panic attacks since I was twelve, however, I was only diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder NOS, and PTSD when I turned twenty five!  I couldn’t believe it!  I was damn independent, had an education, and could foresee a semi-bright future.  I became really depressed out of nowhere when I turned twenty five.  I had been depressed before, but this was the blackest despair I could ever imagine.  I avoided everyone, and everything because my morose behavior would have sent off warning bells to my family or friends.  Then while crying my eyes out, I glimpsed something moving in my peripheral vision.  My eyes darted anxiously to the window, and a pale, version of death stared back at me.  The silence in my soul, was also broken as voices began talking to me out of nowhere!  Keep in mind I had never done mind altering drugs, because often it sounds like an acid trip might be similar to a psychotic episode (sounds scary, but really the name is misleading!).  At this point in time, I freaked out!  I was already feeling that suicide might be an actual option, and this just blew my mind.  What the hell was wrong with me??  I was scared to tell anyone, scared to death not to tell anyone, and plain scared that my world was not the same place anymore.  Talk about a fish out of water!  Anyway, if you would like to know more, please read my blog by clicking the link at the top of the page.  You would be surprised how many people you know have a mental illness, and are terrified you might judge them.  Since I am so open about it, I guess people feel more comfortable confiding in me.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been approached by frightened people.  In their confessions, I almost always hear the phrase, “please do not tell anyone.  I can’t let BLANK know.”  Of course I would never betray someone like that, but it’s just plain sad that we feel the need to keep hiding from “normal” society.  Your world would be so boring without our little idiosyncracies, our strange behavior (perhaps), or even some odd quirks here and there.  Please keep your mind open and you will be amazed out how the world appears to someone a little “different” from yourself!